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Tuesday, February 03, 2009

It's Over

Everything just happened so quick. It's over more than 2 weeks now. I've been wanted to blog about it but I was tight up and no such mood blogging it. Before I say anything in details, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank to everyone of you, every friends I have, my family that always be with me and support me. Thank you for the encouragement and mentally supports and those who contributed. Every FB messages, every SMS, every calls I received and sorry for not replying. Forgive me but to tell all of you I received it and really thank you. Love you all!!!
For those who knows or who doesn't know and concerns about my mum. She has been relieved from pains and suffering illness. She is now rest in peace in somewhere and watching us. I hope she has a better, peaceful, relaxing life. No longer worried for us and work hard for us. My mum was never enjoy her life. Always non-stop contributed her life to us. I'm regretted did not give her a better life and make her happy. I miss my mum now. Wherever I go or I eat or whenever I'm back home things that remind me of her, I will think about her and unconsciously cried. I'm trying not to think and make myself occupied to think about her so that I won't be sad and cry again. I want be strong as you all ask me to be. But I can't when I talk about her, think about her.
May be me and my mum not that closed as my sister as I'm the youngest and seldom spend time at home. And we hardly communicate. But I still love her and she always very pampered me. I miss the time to ask her cook my favourite dishes whenever I go home. It's been long long time and I don't remember when was the last time she did it for me. When I was home I get annoyed sometimes with what she did but now I wanted to get angry with her also cannot. I miss her being around and cook yummy food for us. I miss to have warm home cook dinner especially cook by mum. I have no more chance to learn the cooking skills from her especially hakka food that she used to make for us.
Frankly, I never thought of this will happend or at least not so soon. I always think that my family will always with me no matter how old I am now. When I was young, I lost my dog and rabbit I cried for days and very very sad. Now I can't believe I lost my mum. I can't accept this until I know it's a fact. It's a painful feeling when loosing something or someone you love. Till now I still can remember mum's last breath. I remembered I called her and she unconsciously response me. Then she just gone. I know we have to go through this stage of life by loosing someone. It's the fact and we have to accept it no matter what.
Few days before my mum left us, doctor said she can hang at least 1 week or longer. And we planned to bring her home and get a hospis helping us when mum is home. Suppose wanna bring her home on Saturday but because no hospis working till Monday have no choice to stay. On the day itself my sis from Perth flew back to see mum. Can see she was so happy to see my sis and the grand children. I prayed hard that she can hang on till we bring her home but thing will never work out as you planned. Situations got worst when doc told us her stomach internal bleeding and lung has water cause her difficult breathing. We knew that she can't make it. So the whole Sunday we all were there with her. We don't even dare to leave her. But on that day itself I was sick badly. Hospital aircond too cold and I was fever. I was whole body shivering staying in hospital until I can't stand anymore and walk down to car to get some hot air and rest for a while. I need a blanket even am in the car without starting the car. Had panadol and sleep for while while waiting sis call me if anything happened. I was so panic when I hear the phone ring. When told to go up immediately....I was so so so scared that I can't see mum again. Too bad that I only manage to be with her for the last minute. Why I was sick and cant be with her all the time?! All the moments that happened that night still fresh in my mind. Everyone can't accept it. My sisters cried all out and everyone does.
All happened too quick but lucky I have siblings and bro in laws help to settle everything. What I can do just sit there and cry. But I'm glad that mum able to see everyone of us. Everyone was besides her until she gone. Should glad that she no longer suffer. That's her wish all these while. She has been telling nurse or doctor she doesn't want to live any longer. It should be a good thing for her. We should not sad but happy for her. Let her know that we are living good and she has no worries anymore. It's so fast already 2 weeks since it happened. I've been telling me or ppl who asks I'm ok, no worries. That's what I want to get over it. It will but takes time.
I'm recording down every details I can to remember her last moment with us. She dies in 18 Jan 2009 10:50pm at aged 67 with whole family by her side. She should be comfort even she goes.
Good Bye Ma...I will take care myself and be good. No worries.
In remembrance of my mother. I will always love you although I never tell you once.
It's hurt but will get over it.
mum's pretty photo...love you and miss you
My wishes that can't be accomplished:
I wished to have whole family trip. In my memories I don't recall I have it which I really really wish to have.
I wished to have absolutely warm family reunion dinner which I lost the feeling how it is since many years ago.
I wished to have whole family photo with everyone in it including new added in family members.
I wished to have family feels when everyone around in the house. Although noisy but at least I don't feel lonely.


ahhou said...

Very touching. And I completely got what you mean as I been thru similiar situation before.

Memories and love will always remain in our heart. Nobody can take that away. Moving forward, let's love more people around us and appreacite life in a better, brighter way. Cheers my dear friend.

Cindy said...


Shirlyn said...

*hugs* to ahhou and Cindy

Tweets said...

Rest in peace.......

Cry all you need. Mourning is good. Keep the memories. She would like you to move on with your life.

sansan said...

it's a relieve for her, as you said. so, be happy. at least she is not suffering anymore.

it's touching. be strong and take care of yourself for her...

hugs and kisses.


jazz2dmax said...

hug hug!!

Leonora Halim said...

Your mum always know how much you love her... never doubt that... *hugsssssssss*

fann fann said...

made me cried this post. u r very right. hugs*

Su-Yee said...

very touching dear, please take good care:)

Shirlyn said...

thanks to all my dear friends.
i cried all the way while composing this post. even cried non-stop after this. and cried in my sleep. I can't control. When read back I also cried.

But no worries. will be strong and take care myself.

big *hugs*!

~hushling~ said...

Take care...I'm sure you can get over this....Hugs